Ctrl+Alt+Delete

I don’t think I’ve ever been very gracious with words…
These are my sorry attempts to transfer my feelings into words, something more concrete so it doesn’t just go by like crazy nonsense in my head…
I think I’ve always had a tendency to lean towards the depressing side of things. I’m not sure if it’s just in my nature to do so, as a child I never had much to be happy about . I sometimes come off as dramatic, it’s all an act I can assure you, I think I just try to make up for all the missing attention I never had… I can assure everyone that the fact that I was an only daughter with four brothers didn’t get me very far or very much. But anywho… It’s not that I like being depressed, cause trust me I don’t. The thing is, just when I think something is going right for once it all goes wrong.
A friend wrote the other day that she’d run out of glue to put her heart back together. She said something around the lines of every time I put it back together it fell apart again. She always writes so beautifully! But I understand, but in my case I believe it’s my fault. Another friend told me the other day that I seem to be attracted to “unavailable” men… Now by unavailable I’m not sure what she meant.
I hate this feeling! I just can’t stand it anymore, I feel trapped with nowhere to go, I just want to scream. But it’s my fault… Yesterday I said I wanted to go back, back to when everyone said I had a spark in my eye, back to when everyone asked me every morning where I was going after work because I looked especially beautiful that day. Back before these feelings were out in the open, back when this was just something I thought I felt and though he felt as well. Because I believe back then I could still have turned around and walk away without having fallen apart so much. I’m sure I can walk away now, I mean I don’t have a choice, but now it hurts like a bitch! I don’t seem to learn my lesson. I left one ass hole only to run into the arms of another who was only there when he thought he no longer loved her…
I’m a smart girl, obviously not with matters of the heart. I’ve always been a late bloomer in everything. Most women my age have already had that one great love who left in them beautiful memories, someone who they can at least speak about and say even though it ended we had out great moments and I will always cherish them. When, when will it be my turn? Not to lose a person like that but to have a person like that.
I’m tired of crying but the tears don’t stop at times. I’m tired of thinking things over, of where I went wrong, of what I could have done, what I could have said so the outcome could have been different. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
I’m just so fucking exhausted, I think I could sleep for days…
Can someone please just tell me where I can find the delete button?

Yeah Yeah Yeah's 9-17-09 @ Greek Theatre "Maps"

This song made me cry...

The only thing that would have made this song better would be being able to hold the guy next to me. Hahaha! I hate that I adore him so much.

How is it possible to miss someone so much while they're standing right next to you?

The Wildlife - Electric Slide

I'm in love!

Nothing worse...

There's nothing worse than falling from the highest cloud when reality hits...

Arcade Fire - Ocean Of Noise (at Rock En Seine 2007)

Loneliness is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form human contact.

Loneliness

So much loneliness is killing me...

Think You Know - Billy Corgan

This song I have to say made my whole weekend! I was searching for this song a few years ago and gave up and today out of the blue I find it! True story!

Suede - He's Gone

Songs Of Recent...

On heavy rotation...

Promise Me - Courtney Saunders
Here

Leif Erikson - Interpol
Here

Specialist - Interpol (I miss that Carlos D.)
Here

Help I'm Alive! - Metric
Here

Endlessly - Muse
Here

To The Sky - The Cure
Here

Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid - Elefant
Here

Mother's Ruin - Simon Wilcox
Here

La Ciudad De La Furia - Soda Stereo
Here

Via Lactea - Zoe
Here

Daniel - Tori Amos
Here

Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
Here

You came back last night...

Who would have thought that after so many years I would be so calm without you around. I'm happy to say that I'm okay and that I'm glad I finally let you go. All I ask is that you stop haunting my sleep.

As the intro to Home & Dry played in the background I couldnt help but be filled with nostalgia over what we "were." I gave you a lot of me and didnt get much back but all that is beginning to fill back up again.

I do hope that wherever you are, you are safe and well...

I now have to learn how to deal with this new person, lord knows that I make lots of bad choices. I hope this new person is not a bad choice, I want this person to be the right one...

Why...

Why is it so difficult to let go of something you never had?

I hate that I seem to not have control over my feelings.
I hate that I cant just walk away from him.
I hate that he seems to have become an obsession.
But above all I hate that I can't see him like I did before when I felt nothing for him.

Haircuts

Haircuts don't do it for me anymore. In the past when I felt a little down or a little depressed they always did the trick. For some reason it always felt as if I was trying to re-invent myself and it helped even if it was for a short period. This time it didnt work.

A haircut doesnt erase a person...

Starlight - Muse

Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold you in my arms last night...

Purifica Mi Amor

Parece que ya perdi el control pero ya no me importa!

Poopie world

You can poop on the world and then you can call it poopie world!
-Daniel (age 5)

Where did all the innocence go?

I’ve kind of spoken about this a little big before. I hate watching the news, it’s extremely depressing. I tend to over think every single thing that I hear, see, or anything that happens to me. Its who I am, its why I’m a slave to the details. So the news tend bother me a lot more than the average person.

I don’t like watching the news! However, my mom makes sure I know how many murders occurred in the LA area the previous day, because of course she does watch news. I’ve told her on several occasions I don’t like her telling me about such tragic events, they depress me and sadden me terribly.

Saturday morning she mentioned a man was shot and almost killed on the freeway. When I say almost I mean pretty much killed him, he’s in a coma in the hospital with no chance of recovery. Then on Sunday she tells me this man is a friend of my brothers, he has no one, not one single family member in the US. They are all in Mexico and he is dying. No one should die alone, no matter what kind of person you were when you were alive. No one should die alone!

I wonder what kind of life he lead. Was he loved? Will he be missed? Is there any unfinished business he left behind? Of course there is, a life cut short the way his was must have left lots of unfinished business. Lots of I love you’s that were never said, hugs that were never given.

I wish I had never known his story, I wish I could erase him from my mind that way I would not cry every time I think about him. I don’t even know the guy!

So back to the title of this entry. Where did all the innocence go? Many times I have debated within myself, is this hell? Because the world is such a terrible and cruel place. When I feel this way little things happen that make me believe that its not.

When a child is born they precious and innocent. How is it that this child turns into someone that can kill another human being?

Personally I like being naïve.

Thanksgiving

I know, I know, Thanksgiving is long gone. But I'm sure its never too late to say thanks, or to mention the few things, or many things, that you are thankful for.

The one thing I am thankful for is, this makes me feel like a first grader but, my mother. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me! Why? Because she will always love me no matter what! Without ever judging me, without ever holding grudges against me, unconditionally!

I know many people out there are thankful for their mothers but if they knew mine they would so be jealous of me. Not a lie! I don't know what I did to deserve her but I'm glad she was stuck with me. I know I don't say this enough but God how I love her!

One of my greatest fears of becoming a parent some day is not to be able to be half of the mother she is. Not to be able to love my own child like she loves hers. Because it just doesn't seem possible to be a better mother than she is.

I just hope God give me enough time to love her and show her how grateful I am to be her daughter.

Who am I to need you now?

My trip came and went and I never wrote anything about it. I would like to say it was a success cause that’s how it felt. But when certain things went amazingly well others turned out a bit on the darker side.

I know I hurt her and there is no excuse. There are just certain things that you don’t do. I always judge girls when they use “I was drunk” as an excuse. But now I’m just like them.

My love for him blinds me! It hypnotizes me! It makes me blind to anything that is not him. Yes that is my excuse, he is my excuse. I’m in love and I’m not denying it and when possible I’m going to spend all the time I can with him because he makes me happy. Because when I’m with him I feel like I shine and nothing beats that feeling.

I wish that feeling followed me even when he wasn’t here with me…

We aint going to the town...

Were going to the city!

Well I am, to Mexico City that is. Tomorrow, and I'm nervous, not excited, nervous!

I still wanna finish watching season 4 of Grey's Anatomy!

I feel unprepared, I'm all packed and everything, I usually wait till the last minut to pack, maybe thats why I'm nervous, cause I'm already ready. I just feel I should be more excited. It would make things a little better.

I'm sure I'll be fine... I have to be fine...

Converted Masochist

I’ve never really been a big tv fan. Actually now that I think about I’ve never been a tv fan at all.

There’s a guy at work who is the total opposite of me, and kept insisting I watch a ton of shows. I started with Weeds, and that was good, really good! Stressful good! Yeah who in their mind sees stressful as good? Tell me who? Why do people love to live with lumps in their chests waiting to know what happens next? Or is it that most people don’t get as involved as I do? That could be it.

Now that I’m done with weeds I’ve moved on to Grey’s Anatomy, I’d heard it was good and all but I always imagined it to be a general hospital rip off, mind you I’ve never watched general hospital. I was just never good at keeping up with tv shows, or any kind of show at that. I watched season one of Grey’s Anatomy in one weekend, I know its short, but it was also good! I was so hooked I watched season 2 from Monday to Wednesday, mind you I was off two whole days. I feel in love with Izzie and Denny, they were just too cute! Sadly Denny dies in the end of season 2 right before they were gonna live happily ever after.

So the point is there is this scene in an episode close to the end where Izzie wants to make Denny sick so he can get a heart transplant, and its so emotional, and well I admit it I’m a cry baby! Izzie begs Denny to do this for her cause she would never be able to bear loosing him, and I cried and cried and cried, oh and then I cried some more. So you tell me why in the world would I wanna watch that scene over and over again? Cause I am, im watching it over and over again, and every time I cry!

Which brings me to the title of this post, I’m a masochist! I really am!

The Birthday Girl

She's one!!!!!

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Auresse
Happy birthday to you!!!

Sometimes I feel so useless…

Where do I start? Oh man, I think this is gonna be a hard one.

You know when I was in grade school and we had assignments to write about our heroes I always chose my brother. And I don’t mean any offence, he’s a great guy. But while I was doing that everyone else was writing about how great their mothers or fathers were. The thing is I should have been doing that as well. I was blind, I didn’t see it, I didn’t see how great she is!

Yeah you didn’t expect to be reading about my mother right? Well she’s amazing and sometimes I wonder how she’s not ashamed to have us as her children.

We were having dinner a few nights ago and I was complaining cause I didn’t like what she cooked. Then she started talking you know, blah-blah, blah! No! She made me cry, and not because she was giving me a hard time but because I take everything for granted, I take her for granted. News huh?

So the story started when she was younger and she lived at home in Mexico, in a very small town, in a very small house, with a very large family. She said there was a very dry spell on the lands and no crops were growing and no one had jobs and there was no food. No food! Can you imagine, no food. Not that I’m obsessed with food, but I mean there’s always something. At least at home there is always something even if I complain about it there is always something. She said she had to go out and knock on peoples doors and ask for food. And then I just couldn’t sit there any more. Not without crying. And suddenly everything bad in this world didn’t exist because I had the most beautiful being sitting right in front of me. That day they had food on their table thanks to her.

There’s so many other stories she’s told me. So much humbleness I sometimes wonder if its possible that I am her daughter. One would think things like that run in the family but never will I meet anyone like her. Not as unconditional as her.

She's lived a not so great life, and for that I feel guilty. I know i didnt cause it. Many people tell me its not my responsibility. But she’s my mother! I’ve asked myself on many occasions has she been loved enough? Has she been happy enough? Have we made her proud? I don’t want her to die and feel like her life was incomplete. I don’t want to loose her and feel that I didn’t do all I could to make her happy.

If we all had mothers like mine this world would be a GREAT place! This world would be full of children with full stomachs and clean clothes and a nice clean bed to sleep in and a home with love!

Its not the greatest piece, in fact its a poor excuse of an essay, but it’s a start!

I want to take her to the ocean, a clean one, not the poor excuse of an ocean like venice or santa monica.

Its never too late to make beautiful memories!

The Worst in Me

Every once in a while there are people who come into your life who you fall in love with. And I don't just mean relationship wise. Those people become somewhat important in your life. They can bring out the best in you but also the worst.

Why do you insist on bringing out the worst in me?

Zwan - Don't let me down (live)

Me enamore de esta cancioncita! Con la voz de Billy Corgan se escucha genial!

Trash Day...

I hate trash day!

The trash trucks clog up the streets!

The whole street smells! You cant even walk to your car without gagging!

I just wanted to share that I HATE trash day!

Meme?

Gigita

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Things I Like:

Scarfs & coats
Getting real mail (bills excluded)
Dancing in my bedroom
Being an aunt & godmother
My computer

Things I dislike:

My job
My car
Food that tastes sweet
My body
My computer

Addictions

And the mustache is gone!

I know its old news, but I just got around to posting this.

Additions

Behold the newest additions!

Maybe eventually ill get started on the whole reviewing my books once i finish reading them. Or maybe not. Hahaha!



Courtesy of Gina (te das cuenta que tu eres la unica que lee mi blog?)

The Cure - Lovecats

Like I said, lets dance!!!

Tid Bits

There are times when lots of things in life are not going well. You are not where you want to be, things are not flowing like they should be, and other tid bits. But you don’t mind because its okay. It’s okay that everything is not right. I just feel this peace, I have no idea where it comes from but life is good.

Now we dance...

Everyday...

There seems to be less time between every fight. Every fight seems to fill me with more anger than the previous.

Everyday we seem to drift apart a little more and I don’t think I mind.

Losses…

There are times when I feel fortunate to not really know how it feels like to lose someone to the full extent that others do. See, I’ve never really lost anyone dear to me. I don’t have grandparents but they either passed before I was born or when I was too young to comprehend what the loss of a life, of a presence, of really was like.

Recently, maybe 3 weeks ago, I lost an uncle. He was not in our lives until maybe seven years go. He lived in Mexico therefore I never really had the chance to experience life with him. Because I’m a big crybaby I cried and well I felt the loss in some ways. His is a long story of sadness and abandonment and I cried for all the chances he never had.

In December some time a coworker became really I’ll. Me being the optimist I am when it comes to other people other than I thought, hoped it would eventually get better. Soon he gave us the news he had lung cancer. He said it was diagnosed on time. I, still being an optimist and not knowing anything about lung cancer, thought it would get better.

We didn’t have the best relationship but it wasn’t bad either. He was one of the few I didn’t mind calling me Gracie. That says a lot! He had the coolest looking Dr. Martens, he liked Siouxsie and the Banshees, he gave me one of my coolest records when I got my record player, he nagged at me, he bickered at me, and he made me angry. He apologized in the end. I know he would so give me an F with the grammar errors alone if this was an assignment and he were my teacher.

He said doctors said it wasn’t too bad. He said he was getting better. I guess in the end he never really said too much.

Last night he was in my head. This morning I emailed him but the email came back to me. It said something about a Siouxsie cover band I saw that made me think of him and that I listened to Leonard Cohen this weekend and that I missed his grumpiness. I also mentioned the office was more of a hell now than when he was there.

Maybe if I sent the email two weeks ago, right after the concert, he would have read it. Maybe if I sent the email two weeks ago he would have realized that even if I never said it he was dear to me. I know it’s too late but dammit I should have let him know that I didn’t pity him if I said I was sorry he was going through all this but that it really hurt me that he had to go through it all.
This is one of those times when I honestly and deeply regret not doing something.

If I knew, when you walked out that building on that day in December, that I would never see you again I would have done more than just yell “goodbye Michael.”

Bat For Lashes - Whats a Girl To Do

This and That

10 years ago I was getting ready for my sweet sixteen, don’t know what I was thinking.

5 things on my “To Do” list:
1. Finish my resume
2. Clean my room, really clean my room
3. Hand wash a select few blouses that have been lingering around in my laundry hamper
4. Read two books I bought last year
5. Take my car in for an oil change, I’ve already gone over 1,000 miles

Things I would do if I became a billionaire:
1. Pay off my parents home loan
2. Buy a new car, wait I’d by all my brothers a new car, and my mom to right after I taught her how to drive
3. Travel, not alone
4. Spoil my nieces and nephews
5. Spoil my mom!

Three of my bad habits:
1. I don’t call as often as I should, I do it with everyone
2. I tend to flake when planning nights out
3. I procrastinate

Places I’ve lived:
1. Los Angeles, CA
2. Las Vegas, NV

Jobs I’ve had:
1. I did some kind of data entry at Cal-Trans the summer between my sophomore year and junior year of high school
2. Target
3. Camp Max Straus – Intake Camp Secretary (I’m not too fond of the secretary part)

Three things most people don’t know about me:
1. I have a lady bug tattoo
2. I have two guitars
3. I don’t like being called Gracie, for some reason I thought I made it loud and clear but people seem to forget cause they still call me Gracie