Losses…

There are times when I feel fortunate to not really know how it feels like to lose someone to the full extent that others do. See, I’ve never really lost anyone dear to me. I don’t have grandparents but they either passed before I was born or when I was too young to comprehend what the loss of a life, of a presence, of really was like.

Recently, maybe 3 weeks ago, I lost an uncle. He was not in our lives until maybe seven years go. He lived in Mexico therefore I never really had the chance to experience life with him. Because I’m a big crybaby I cried and well I felt the loss in some ways. His is a long story of sadness and abandonment and I cried for all the chances he never had.

In December some time a coworker became really I’ll. Me being the optimist I am when it comes to other people other than I thought, hoped it would eventually get better. Soon he gave us the news he had lung cancer. He said it was diagnosed on time. I, still being an optimist and not knowing anything about lung cancer, thought it would get better.

We didn’t have the best relationship but it wasn’t bad either. He was one of the few I didn’t mind calling me Gracie. That says a lot! He had the coolest looking Dr. Martens, he liked Siouxsie and the Banshees, he gave me one of my coolest records when I got my record player, he nagged at me, he bickered at me, and he made me angry. He apologized in the end. I know he would so give me an F with the grammar errors alone if this was an assignment and he were my teacher.

He said doctors said it wasn’t too bad. He said he was getting better. I guess in the end he never really said too much.

Last night he was in my head. This morning I emailed him but the email came back to me. It said something about a Siouxsie cover band I saw that made me think of him and that I listened to Leonard Cohen this weekend and that I missed his grumpiness. I also mentioned the office was more of a hell now than when he was there.

Maybe if I sent the email two weeks ago, right after the concert, he would have read it. Maybe if I sent the email two weeks ago he would have realized that even if I never said it he was dear to me. I know it’s too late but dammit I should have let him know that I didn’t pity him if I said I was sorry he was going through all this but that it really hurt me that he had to go through it all.
This is one of those times when I honestly and deeply regret not doing something.

If I knew, when you walked out that building on that day in December, that I would never see you again I would have done more than just yell “goodbye Michael.”

Bat For Lashes - Whats a Girl To Do

This and That

10 years ago I was getting ready for my sweet sixteen, don’t know what I was thinking.

5 things on my “To Do” list:
1. Finish my resume
2. Clean my room, really clean my room
3. Hand wash a select few blouses that have been lingering around in my laundry hamper
4. Read two books I bought last year
5. Take my car in for an oil change, I’ve already gone over 1,000 miles

Things I would do if I became a billionaire:
1. Pay off my parents home loan
2. Buy a new car, wait I’d by all my brothers a new car, and my mom to right after I taught her how to drive
3. Travel, not alone
4. Spoil my nieces and nephews
5. Spoil my mom!

Three of my bad habits:
1. I don’t call as often as I should, I do it with everyone
2. I tend to flake when planning nights out
3. I procrastinate

Places I’ve lived:
1. Los Angeles, CA
2. Las Vegas, NV

Jobs I’ve had:
1. I did some kind of data entry at Cal-Trans the summer between my sophomore year and junior year of high school
2. Target
3. Camp Max Straus – Intake Camp Secretary (I’m not too fond of the secretary part)

Three things most people don’t know about me:
1. I have a lady bug tattoo
2. I have two guitars
3. I don’t like being called Gracie, for some reason I thought I made it loud and clear but people seem to forget cause they still call me Gracie