Ctrl+Alt+Delete

I don’t think I’ve ever been very gracious with words…
These are my sorry attempts to transfer my feelings into words, something more concrete so it doesn’t just go by like crazy nonsense in my head…
I think I’ve always had a tendency to lean towards the depressing side of things. I’m not sure if it’s just in my nature to do so, as a child I never had much to be happy about . I sometimes come off as dramatic, it’s all an act I can assure you, I think I just try to make up for all the missing attention I never had… I can assure everyone that the fact that I was an only daughter with four brothers didn’t get me very far or very much. But anywho… It’s not that I like being depressed, cause trust me I don’t. The thing is, just when I think something is going right for once it all goes wrong.
A friend wrote the other day that she’d run out of glue to put her heart back together. She said something around the lines of every time I put it back together it fell apart again. She always writes so beautifully! But I understand, but in my case I believe it’s my fault. Another friend told me the other day that I seem to be attracted to “unavailable” men… Now by unavailable I’m not sure what she meant.
I hate this feeling! I just can’t stand it anymore, I feel trapped with nowhere to go, I just want to scream. But it’s my fault… Yesterday I said I wanted to go back, back to when everyone said I had a spark in my eye, back to when everyone asked me every morning where I was going after work because I looked especially beautiful that day. Back before these feelings were out in the open, back when this was just something I thought I felt and though he felt as well. Because I believe back then I could still have turned around and walk away without having fallen apart so much. I’m sure I can walk away now, I mean I don’t have a choice, but now it hurts like a bitch! I don’t seem to learn my lesson. I left one ass hole only to run into the arms of another who was only there when he thought he no longer loved her…
I’m a smart girl, obviously not with matters of the heart. I’ve always been a late bloomer in everything. Most women my age have already had that one great love who left in them beautiful memories, someone who they can at least speak about and say even though it ended we had out great moments and I will always cherish them. When, when will it be my turn? Not to lose a person like that but to have a person like that.
I’m tired of crying but the tears don’t stop at times. I’m tired of thinking things over, of where I went wrong, of what I could have done, what I could have said so the outcome could have been different. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
I’m just so fucking exhausted, I think I could sleep for days…
Can someone please just tell me where I can find the delete button?