These Flowers Will Never Fade

The Hardest Part

2011-12-12T10:13:00.000-08:00

Is accepting that I lost...

The Hardest Part

2011-12-12T09:41:00.000-08:00

I was driving to work with blurry vision, not because of the rain, but because of the tears I kept trying to fight off. I thought the hardest part is driving to work because I know you won't be there, you were always late, but now I won't see you rush by my desk to get to yours unnoticed. Surely the hardest part was driving to work knowing you won't be here anymore.

How wrong was I, how ridiculous was I to think that was the worse. The hardest part is having to be there and not have you here anymore. I can no longer hear your voice or follow your every move in the office. It's ridiculous how much I miss you, it's ridiculous how after everything we've been through I was still so attached to you. It's even more absurd that I think I still love you and how all I want at this very moment is to see you again and hope that you never forget about me.

Wherever this new road takes you, whether I'm a part of it or not, I do wish you the best. At least I know you had no doubt of what I felt for you. At least you knew that I loved you.

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

2009-09-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

I don’t think I’ve ever been very gracious with words…
These are my sorry attempts to transfer my feelings into words, something more concrete so it doesn’t just go by like crazy nonsense in my head…
I think I’ve always had a tendency to lean towards the depressing side of things. I’m not sure if it’s just in my nature to do so, as a child I never had much to be happy about . I sometimes come off as dramatic, it’s all an act I can assure you, I think I just try to make up for all the missing attention I never had… I can assure everyone that the fact that I was an only daughter with four brothers didn’t get me very far or very much. But anywho… It’s not that I like being depressed, cause trust me I don’t. The thing is, just when I think something is going right for once it all goes wrong.
A friend wrote the other day that she’d run out of glue to put her heart back together. She said something around the lines of every time I put it back together it fell apart again. She always writes so beautifully! But I understand, but in my case I believe it’s my fault. Another friend told me the other day that I seem to be attracted to “unavailable” men… Now by unavailable I’m not sure what she meant.
I hate this feeling! I just can’t stand it anymore, I feel trapped with nowhere to go, I just want to scream. But it’s my fault… Yesterday I said I wanted to go back, back to when everyone said I had a spark in my eye, back to when everyone asked me every morning where I was going after work because I looked especially beautiful that day. Back before these feelings were out in the open, back when this was just something I thought I felt and though he felt as well. Because I believe back then I could still have turned around and walk away without having fallen apart so much. I’m sure I can walk away now, I mean I don’t have a choice, but now it hurts like a bitch! I don’t seem to learn my lesson. I left one ass hole only to run into the arms of another who was only there when he thought he no longer loved her…
I’m a smart girl, obviously not with matters of the heart. I’ve always been a late bloomer in everything. Most women my age have already had that one great love who left in them beautiful memories, someone who they can at least speak about and say even though it ended we had out great moments and I will always cherish them. When, when will it be my turn? Not to lose a person like that but to have a person like that.
I’m tired of crying but the tears don’t stop at times. I’m tired of thinking things over, of where I went wrong, of what I could have done, what I could have said so the outcome could have been different. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
I’m just so fucking exhausted, I think I could sleep for days…
Can someone please just tell me where I can find the delete button?

Yeah Yeah Yeah's 9-17-09 @ Greek Theatre "Maps"

2009-09-18T19:02:00.001-07:00

This song made me cry...

The only thing that would have made this song better would be being able to hold the guy next to me. Hahaha! I hate that I adore him so much.

How is it possible to miss someone so much while they're standing right next to you?

The Wildlife - Electric Slide

2009-08-05T21:13:00.001-07:00

I'm in love!

Nothing worse...

2009-08-04T12:11:00.001-07:00

There's nothing worse than falling from the highest cloud when reality hits...

Arcade Fire - Ocean Of Noise (at Rock En Seine 2007)

2009-06-26T23:07:00.001-07:00

Loneliness is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form human contact.

Loneliness

2009-06-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

So much loneliness is killing me...

Think You Know - Billy Corgan

2009-04-24T20:17:00.001-07:00

This song I have to say made my whole weekend! I was searching for this song a few years ago and gave up and today out of the blue I find it! True story!

Suede - He's Gone

2009-04-02T08:39:00.001-07:00

Songs Of Recent...

2009-03-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

On heavy rotation...

Promise Me - Courtney Saunders
Here

Leif Erikson - Interpol
Here

Specialist - Interpol (I miss that Carlos D.)
Here

Help I'm Alive! - Metric
Here

Endlessly - Muse
Here

To The Sky - The Cure
Here

Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid - Elefant
Here

Mother's Ruin - Simon Wilcox
Here

La Ciudad De La Furia - Soda Stereo
Here

Via Lactea - Zoe
Here

Daniel - Tori Amos
Here

Transatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
Here

You came back last night...

2009-03-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

Who would have thought that after so many years I would be so calm without you around. I'm happy to say that I'm okay and that I'm glad I finally let you go. All I ask is that you stop haunting my sleep.

As the intro to Home & Dry played in the background I couldnt help but be filled with nostalgia over what we "were." I gave you a lot of me and didnt get much back but all that is beginning to fill back up again.

I do hope that wherever you are, you are safe and well...

I now have to learn how to deal with this new person, lord knows that I make lots of bad choices. I hope this new person is not a bad choice, I want this person to be the right one...

Why...

2009-03-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

Why is it so difficult to let go of something you never had?

I hate that I seem to not have control over my feelings.
I hate that I cant just walk away from him.
I hate that he seems to have become an obsession.
But above all I hate that I can't see him like I did before when I felt nothing for him.

Haircuts

2009-02-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

Haircuts don't do it for me anymore. In the past when I felt a little down or a little depressed they always did the trick. For some reason it always felt as if I was trying to re-invent myself and it helped even if it was for a short period. This time it didnt work.

A haircut doesnt erase a person...

Starlight - Muse

2009-02-10T15:07:00.001-08:00

Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold you in my arms last night...

Purifica Mi Amor

2009-02-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

Parece que ya perdi el control pero ya no me importa!

Poopie world

2008-12-22T13:20:00.000-08:00

You can poop on the world and then you can call it poopie world!
-Daniel (age 5)

Where did all the innocence go?

2008-12-17T14:11:00.000-08:00

I’ve kind of spoken about this a little big before. I hate watching the news, it’s extremely depressing. I tend to over think every single thing that I hear, see, or anything that happens to me. Its who I am, its why I’m a slave to the details. So the news tend bother me a lot more than the average person.

I don’t like watching the news! However, my mom makes sure I know how many murders occurred in the LA area the previous day, because of course she does watch news. I’ve told her on several occasions I don’t like her telling me about such tragic events, they depress me and sadden me terribly.

Saturday morning she mentioned a man was shot and almost killed on the freeway. When I say almost I mean pretty much killed him, he’s in a coma in the hospital with no chance of recovery. Then on Sunday she tells me this man is a friend of my brothers, he has no one, not one single family member in the US. They are all in Mexico and he is dying. No one should die alone, no matter what kind of person you were when you were alive. No one should die alone!

I wonder what kind of life he lead. Was he loved? Will he be missed? Is there any unfinished business he left behind? Of course there is, a life cut short the way his was must have left lots of unfinished business. Lots of I love you’s that were never said, hugs that were never given.

I wish I had never known his story, I wish I could erase him from my mind that way I would not cry every time I think about him. I don’t even know the guy!

So back to the title of this entry. Where did all the innocence go? Many times I have debated within myself, is this hell? Because the world is such a terrible and cruel place. When I feel this way little things happen that make me believe that its not.

When a child is born they precious and innocent. How is it that this child turns into someone that can kill another human being?

Personally I like being naïve.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, Thanksgiving is long gone. But I'm sure its never too late to say thanks, or to mention the few things, or many things, that you are thankful for.

The one thing I am thankful for is, this makes me feel like a first grader but, my mother. She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me! Why? Because she will always love me no matter what! Without ever judging me, without ever holding grudges against me, unconditionally!

I know many people out there are thankful for their mothers but if they knew mine they would so be jealous of me. Not a lie! I don't know what I did to deserve her but I'm glad she was stuck with me. I know I don't say this enough but God how I love her!

One of my greatest fears of becoming a parent some day is not to be able to be half of the mother she is. Not to be able to love my own child like she loves hers. Because it just doesn't seem possible to be a better mother than she is.

I just hope God give me enough time to love her and show her how grateful I am to be her daughter.

Who am I to need you now?

2008-11-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

My trip came and went and I never wrote anything about it. I would like to say it was a success cause that’s how it felt. But when certain things went amazingly well others turned out a bit on the darker side.

I know I hurt her and there is no excuse. There are just certain things that you don’t do. I always judge girls when they use “I was drunk” as an excuse. But now I’m just like them.

My love for him blinds me! It hypnotizes me! It makes me blind to anything that is not him. Yes that is my excuse, he is my excuse. I’m in love and I’m not denying it and when possible I’m going to spend all the time I can with him because he makes me happy. Because when I’m with him I feel like I shine and nothing beats that feeling.

I wish that feeling followed me even when he wasn’t here with me…

We aint going to the town...

2008-10-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

Were going to the city!

Well I am, to Mexico City that is. Tomorrow, and I'm nervous, not excited, nervous!

I still wanna finish watching season 4 of Grey's Anatomy!

I feel unprepared, I'm all packed and everything, I usually wait till the last minut to pack, maybe thats why I'm nervous, cause I'm already ready. I just feel I should be more excited. It would make things a little better.

I'm sure I'll be fine... I have to be fine...

Converted Masochist

2008-10-02T13:56:00.000-07:00

I’ve never really been a big tv fan. Actually now that I think about I’ve never been a tv fan at all.

There’s a guy at work who is the total opposite of me, and kept insisting I watch a ton of shows. I started with Weeds, and that was good, really good! Stressful good! Yeah who in their mind sees stressful as good? Tell me who? Why do people love to live with lumps in their chests waiting to know what happens next? Or is it that most people don’t get as involved as I do? That could be it.

Now that I’m done with weeds I’ve moved on to Grey’s Anatomy, I’d heard it was good and all but I always imagined it to be a general hospital rip off, mind you I’ve never watched general hospital. I was just never good at keeping up with tv shows, or any kind of show at that. I watched season one of Grey’s Anatomy in one weekend, I know its short, but it was also good! I was so hooked I watched season 2 from Monday to Wednesday, mind you I was off two whole days. I feel in love with Izzie and Denny, they were just too cute! Sadly Denny dies in the end of season 2 right before they were gonna live happily ever after.

So the point is there is this scene in an episode close to the end where Izzie wants to make Denny sick so he can get a heart transplant, and its so emotional, and well I admit it I’m a cry baby! Izzie begs Denny to do this for her cause she would never be able to bear loosing him, and I cried and cried and cried, oh and then I cried some more. So you tell me why in the world would I wanna watch that scene over and over again? Cause I am, im watching it over and over again, and every time I cry!

Which brings me to the title of this post, I’m a masochist! I really am!

The Birthday Girl

2008-09-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

She's one!!!!!

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Auresse
Happy birthday to you!!!

Sometimes I feel so useless…

2008-08-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

Where do I start? Oh man, I think this is gonna be a hard one.

You know when I was in grade school and we had assignments to write about our heroes I always chose my brother. And I don’t mean any offence, he’s a great guy. But while I was doing that everyone else was writing about how great their mothers or fathers were. The thing is I should have been doing that as well. I was blind, I didn’t see it, I didn’t see how great she is!

Yeah you didn’t expect to be reading about my mother right? Well she’s amazing and sometimes I wonder how she’s not ashamed to have us as her children.

We were having dinner a few nights ago and I was complaining cause I didn’t like what she cooked. Then she started talking you know, blah-blah, blah! No! She made me cry, and not because she was giving me a hard time but because I take everything for granted, I take her for granted. News huh?

So the story started when she was younger and she lived at home in Mexico, in a very small town, in a very small house, with a very large family. She said there was a very dry spell on the lands and no crops were growing and no one had jobs and there was no food. No food! Can you imagine, no food. Not that I’m obsessed with food, but I mean there’s always something. At least at home there is always something even if I complain about it there is always something. She said she had to go out and knock on peoples doors and ask for food. And then I just couldn’t sit there any more. Not without crying. And suddenly everything bad in this world didn’t exist because I had the most beautiful being sitting right in front of me. That day they had food on their table thanks to her.

There’s so many other stories she’s told me. So much humbleness I sometimes wonder if its possible that I am her daughter. One would think things like that run in the family but never will I meet anyone like her. Not as unconditional as her.

She's lived a not so great life, and for that I feel guilty. I know i didnt cause it. Many people tell me its not my responsibility. But she’s my mother! I’ve asked myself on many occasions has she been loved enough? Has she been happy enough? Have we made her proud? I don’t want her to die and feel like her life was incomplete. I don’t want to loose her and feel that I didn’t do all I could to make her happy.

If we all had mothers like mine this world would be a GREAT place! This world would be full of children with full stomachs and clean clothes and a nice clean bed to sleep in and a home with love!

Its not the greatest piece, in fact its a poor excuse of an essay, but it’s a start!

I want to take her to the ocean, a clean one, not the poor excuse of an ocean like venice or santa monica.

Its never too late to make beautiful memories!

The Worst in Me

2008-08-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while there are people who come into your life who you fall in love with. And I don't just mean relationship wise. Those people become somewhat important in your life. They can bring out the best in you but also the worst.

Why do you insist on bringing out the worst in me?

Zwan - Don't let me down (live)

2008-08-27T20:35:00.001-07:00

Me enamore de esta cancioncita! Con la voz de Billy Corgan se escucha genial!

Trash Day...

2008-08-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

I hate trash day!

The trash trucks clog up the streets!

The whole street smells! You cant even walk to your car without gagging!

I just wanted to share that I HATE trash day!

Meme?

2008-05-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

Gigita

Rules:
1 - Poner el enlace de la persona que nos eligió
2 - Poner las reglas en el blog.
3 - Compartir 6 cosas que no te gusten y 6 que te gusten.
4 - Elegir 6 personas para pasar el desafío.
5 - Avisar a estas personas y dejar un comentario en su blog.

Things I Like:

Scarfs & coats
Getting real mail (bills excluded)
Dancing in my bedroom
Being an aunt & godmother
My computer

Things I dislike:

My job
My car
Food that tastes sweet
My body
My computer

Addictions

2008-05-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

And the mustache is gone!

I know its old news, but I just got around to posting this.

Additions

2008-05-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

Behold the newest additions!

Maybe eventually ill get started on the whole reviewing my books once i finish reading them. Or maybe not. Hahaha!

Courtesy of Gina (te das cuenta que tu eres la unica que lee mi blog?)

The Cure - Lovecats

2008-04-16T09:54:00.001-07:00

Like I said, lets dance!!!

Tid Bits

2008-04-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

There are times when lots of things in life are not going well. You are not where you want to be, things are not flowing like they should be, and other tid bits. But you don’t mind because its okay. It’s okay that everything is not right. I just feel this peace, I have no idea where it comes from but life is good.

Now we dance...

Everyday...

2008-04-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

There seems to be less time between every fight. Every fight seems to fill me with more anger than the previous.

Everyday we seem to drift apart a little more and I don’t think I mind.

Losses…

2008-03-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

There are times when I feel fortunate to not really know how it feels like to lose someone to the full extent that others do. See, I’ve never really lost anyone dear to me. I don’t have grandparents but they either passed before I was born or when I was too young to comprehend what the loss of a life, of a presence, of really was like.

Recently, maybe 3 weeks ago, I lost an uncle. He was not in our lives until maybe seven years go. He lived in Mexico therefore I never really had the chance to experience life with him. Because I’m a big crybaby I cried and well I felt the loss in some ways. His is a long story of sadness and abandonment and I cried for all the chances he never had.

In December some time a coworker became really I’ll. Me being the optimist I am when it comes to other people other than I thought, hoped it would eventually get better. Soon he gave us the news he had lung cancer. He said it was diagnosed on time. I, still being an optimist and not knowing anything about lung cancer, thought it would get better.

We didn’t have the best relationship but it wasn’t bad either. He was one of the few I didn’t mind calling me Gracie. That says a lot! He had the coolest looking Dr. Martens, he liked Siouxsie and the Banshees, he gave me one of my coolest records when I got my record player, he nagged at me, he bickered at me, and he made me angry. He apologized in the end. I know he would so give me an F with the grammar errors alone if this was an assignment and he were my teacher.

He said doctors said it wasn’t too bad. He said he was getting better. I guess in the end he never really said too much.

Last night he was in my head. This morning I emailed him but the email came back to me. It said something about a Siouxsie cover band I saw that made me think of him and that I listened to Leonard Cohen this weekend and that I missed his grumpiness. I also mentioned the office was more of a hell now than when he was there.

Maybe if I sent the email two weeks ago, right after the concert, he would have read it. Maybe if I sent the email two weeks ago he would have realized that even if I never said it he was dear to me. I know it’s too late but dammit I should have let him know that I didn’t pity him if I said I was sorry he was going through all this but that it really hurt me that he had to go through it all.
This is one of those times when I honestly and deeply regret not doing something.

If I knew, when you walked out that building on that day in December, that I would never see you again I would have done more than just yell “goodbye Michael.”

Bat For Lashes - Whats a Girl To Do

2008-03-24T14:40:00.001-07:00

This and That

2008-03-19T13:24:00.001-07:00

10 years ago I was getting ready for my sweet sixteen, don’t know what I was thinking.

5 things on my “To Do” list:
1. Finish my resume
2. Clean my room, really clean my room
3. Hand wash a select few blouses that have been lingering around in my laundry hamper
4. Read two books I bought last year
5. Take my car in for an oil change, I’ve already gone over 1,000 miles

Things I would do if I became a billionaire:
1. Pay off my parents home loan
2. Buy a new car, wait I’d by all my brothers a new car, and my mom to right after I taught her how to drive
3. Travel, not alone
4. Spoil my nieces and nephews
5. Spoil my mom!

Three of my bad habits:
1. I don’t call as often as I should, I do it with everyone
2. I tend to flake when planning nights out
3. I procrastinate

Places I’ve lived:
1. Los Angeles, CA
2. Las Vegas, NV

Jobs I’ve had:
1. I did some kind of data entry at Cal-Trans the summer between my sophomore year and junior year of high school
2. Target
3. Camp Max Straus – Intake Camp Secretary (I’m not too fond of the secretary part)

Three things most people don’t know about me:
1. I have a lady bug tattoo
2. I have two guitars
3. I don’t like being called Gracie, for some reason I thought I made it loud and clear but people seem to forget cause they still call me Gracie

All Time Favorites

2008-02-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

A while ago I was asked to name 12 songs that I could not live with out. At first I thought this was impossible but when I started thinking about it, it just flowed.

They are in no particular order

Bloodflowers – The Cure
Bake Baker – Tori Amos
Winter – The Cure
Sweet Jane – Cowboy Junkies
Purple People – Tori Amos
Landslide – Fleetwood Mac
Leif Erikson - Interpol
Superstar – Sonic Youth
Europe Is Our Playground – Suede
Fade Into You – Mazzy Star
Obstacle 1 - Interpol
The Promise – When In Rome

Someday...

2008-02-19T13:22:00.000-08:00

One day I'll see this in person. Hopefully he will be standing next to me when I do.

Sometiems I Wonder

2008-02-19T13:19:00.000-08:00

I was playing on the net and I found this.

The other day I was thinking how kids now a days are in such a hurry to grow up. How they feel they are adults when they are practically babies. They do so much I never even thought of. Sometimes I wonder if this was all going on when I was that age except I just never noticed. At times, I'm glad I was so naive and innocent. It was beautiful.

The Things I Like

2008-02-18T19:05:00.000-08:00

-Receiving letters in the mail (I rarely get any).
-When he sings to me on his sad guitar.
-Having a full tank of gas.
-Interpol, even if Carlos D. has that horrible mustache.
-Waking up on Saturday mornings and realizing I don’t have to go to work.
-Mrs. Tori Amos, even if I missed her concert last August.
-My naivety, because I feel it keeps me innocent no matter what anyone says.
-My purple and pink scarf’s because special people gave them to me.
-My computer, although I feel each day my dependence on it lessens and lessens.
-Daydreaming of the future, I’m a dreamer, I always have been.
-Sometimes when I drive I sing really loud, I usually do it only when I’m happy. It makes me feel good.
-Cold nights when my mom makes arroz con leche.
-When my nieces hug me after not seeing them in so long. Oh and being the only one they give a Christmas present to.
-Looking in my bank account and realizing I have more money than I thought. I suppose anyone would like that.
-Watching series on dvd’s cause there is no commercials.
-The soundtracks he makes for me every time he visits.
- My itunes library, although some may say it’s too much.
- Hearing my mother laugh at my stupid jokes, it makes me think she is somewhat happy and I haven’t been such a bad daughter after all.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas...

2007-12-25T18:24:00.000-08:00

The Killers - Sweet Talk (Full)

2007-12-11T13:04:00.001-08:00

The Killers
Sweet Talk

Lift me up on my honour
Take me over this spell
Get this weight off my shoulders
I've carried it well
Loose these shackles of pressure
Shake me out of these chains
Lead me not to temptation

Hold my hand harder
Ease my mind
Roll down the smoke screen
And open the sky

Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they’re stumbling
And well you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes

Dig me out from this thorn tree
Help me bury my shame
Keep my eyes from the fire
They can’t handle the flame
Grace cut out from my brothers
When most of them fell
I carry it well

Let me fly
Man I need a release from
This troublesome mind
Fix my feet when they’re stumbling
Well you know it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes

Now hold on
I’m not looking for sweet talk
I’m looking for time
Top a tower and sleep walk
Brother, cause it hurts sometimes
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes
Hold on

You know its gonna hurt sometimes
When you call me
Hold on
Hold on
Hold on

I’m gonna climb that symphony home and make it mine
Let his resonance light my way
See, all these pessimistic sufferers tend to drag me down
So I could use it to shelter what good I’ve found

Hopes & Fears

2007-12-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

I hope that someday our souls may meet again, maybe not in this life, but in any other.
I hope that someday our souls can thrive in the love they could not enjoy in this life.
I hope that someday our souls can love each other with the same amount of intensity they did in this life, if not more.
I hope that someday our souls can meet and become one and dance under the rain.
I hope that someday our souls can meet and not harm each other like we did here.
I hope that someday we meet again, if not in this life, in another.
I hope that someday there will be a happily ever after for our souls, together.
I hope, I hope, I hope…

No matter what anyone says I will always be innocent and naïve.

Because happy endings don't exist for you or for me

2007-12-10T10:42:00.000-08:00

Suede
He's Gone

Tears on a pillow
Eyes on the phone
You pour all the love that you keep inside
Into a song
Like 'He's Gone'
And these are the thoughts that you keep inside
You smile from your window
And stand all alone
And pour all the love that you keep inside
Into the phone
Into the phone
And like the leaves on the trees
Like the Carpenters song
Like the planes and the trains and the lives that were young
He's gone
And it feels like the words to a song
With the style of a widow
And the place of your own
You pour all the words that you keep inside
Into the phone
And sit alone
And these are the thoughts that you keep inside
And smile from your window
And stand all alone
And pour all the love that you keep inside
Into a song, into a song
And like the leaves on the trees
Like the Carpenters song
Like the planes and the trains and the lives that were young
He's gone
And it feels like the words to a song
And like the stains on the names of the lives of the young
He's gone
And it feels like the words to a song
And like the leaves on the trees
Like the Carpenters song
Like the planes and the trains and the lives that were young
He's gone
And it feels like the words to a song
And like the stains on the names of the lives of the young
He's gone
And it feels like the words to a song
So gone
So gone

Thank You!

2007-12-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

I know life isn’t perfect. I learned that the hard way. You have to learn how to appreciate life for the little things that pop out of nowhere. Like cold winter night walks in San Francisco next to the person you love. Like watching a smile slip out from a sleeping baby. Like… so much! There is so much we take for granted.

Now I know there are people that are much worse off than I. It could be worse, it could always be worse. I know I have a lot of people to thank, lots of people have contributed to making my life a better one. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone.

I especially wanted to thank him. Although these past few months have not been the greatest I still thank you, for you have given me some of the happiest days of my life. Not the only happy days, but some of the happiest. I don’t know what the future holds but something tells me you might not be in it. I hope I’m wrong.

I want to thank you because I am and was a bitter person. But even if just for a little while you made me happy, you made me feel alive, you let me know what passion was, and what I think is most important you made me feel love! You made me feel like I belonged, you gave me a reason to fight. For that I thank you. If I never hear from you again just know that I love you and that there will always be a space for you in my heart. All good things come to an end and I’m sorry we didn’t work out. I’m sorry.

There is a lot more I want to say I just can’t put it in writing at this very moment, I can’t seem to translate what my heart is saying to me.

If time lets me, I will forgive you and forgive myself some day, and maybe I can move on but until then I will mourn the loss of the most beautiful thing that I’ve had.

Disclaimer: There are other people in my life that have made a difference, and I’m sorry if I don’t mention it. It’s just that at this moment I am not well, I am not myself, I am without him, and he is my heart. Maybe someday I will be myself again, but the woman he made me feel I was I will never be again for she is somewhere else looking for his love.

For a minute there I lost myself

2007-12-07T10:02:00.000-08:00

I’ve been finding lots and lots of hidden anger, I say hidden cause I don’t remember being this angry in the past. I’m becoming unrecognizable and getting to a point where this is the bitterest I’ve been my whole life. My fear is that this is only the beginning.

Winter, I love it and everything that comes with it or at least I thought I did. So I live in LA, the traffic could be worse, you know like New York or worse Mexico City. But we only focus on what’s in front of us. So back to the point, it rained last night, lord knows we need all the rain we can get, I think it’s only the second time we get rain this winter.

What frustrates me is that as soon as it starts raining, no, no, no, before the first drop even hits the ground people forget how to fucking drive. There is no need to drive 10 mph! It rained last night not this morning! Oh, oh, and then the stupid lights went out so the street lights were not working. Why do a few drops of rain cause as much damage as a storm? I’m sitting here and complaining and whining, cause it’s what I’m good at.

Trying to get away from the stupid drivers I became one of them. I was going so fast I didn’t realize the light was red. When I realized it I didn’t even bother to break. Next I get stuck behind a stupid bus making a right turn. Finally I get to work and I drop my badge under my seat, mind you I need it to get in the parking lot. All of a sudden the table has turned, no I am the stupid one holding everyone up. I manage to get the stupid badge, get through the gate, and park. I’m so angry by this point that I just wanna cry, not knowing why this has cause me such a tremendous amount of anger.

I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t stand much lately and I don’t mean physically standing up. Everything insignificant irritates me, frustrates me, angers me. And then there are things that do matter and I don’t care about them.

There are days I just want to live in my bedroom forever. So far every day this week has been one of those days...

The Killers - Shadowplay The Killers - Shadowplay

2007-12-04T10:19:00.001-08:00

On a lighter note, lets dance!

What a joke!

2007-12-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

So we all know how Cinderella ends. And they all lived hapily ever after…

I feel betrayed! As if if were part of some bad joke. Stipid naïve grace, she fell for it again and she fell hard.

Life is a fairy tale or at least that’s what it was supposed to be until I took a u-turn.

I hope Cinderella ended up getting divorced after she realized the prince was a stuck up jerk or her singing got on his freaken nerves!

Asside from that I hope you all have a beautiful day!

Goodnight and goodbye

2007-11-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

Many people say its good, in fact healthy to cry, me being the person I am, have made a habit of this in my short but stressful life.

Every night I cry over you I promise myself it will be the last. For some reason it seems more comforting to cry at night although that in itself might be an oxymoron because it is never comforting to cry over you. Everytime I cry till my chest hurts, till my eyes sting, till 4 in the morning, I cry myself a minute from death. Why you ask? Because every single fucking time I promise myself that this will be the last time I will cry over you! Because every night this happens I promise myself tomorrow will be a better day and that even if I die trying I will rip you out of my soul, every last bit of you. And then tomorrow comes and it is not in fact a better day. Once again I have made myself a promise I cannot and will not keep.

It is just today, another day without you, another day that you don’t realize how fucked up I am over you. Another day that I wish I could sleep away.

2007-09-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

If this is the life why does it feel so good to die tonight?

Rain, rain dont go away

2007-07-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

Rain on a summers day...
What a beauty!

It's 8 pm and im on my bed with the windows and curtains wide open to let the smell of the rain soak in the dry summer dirt. Ther is now wind, no breez, absolutely nothing, everything is just still, everything except the rain. I lay here and contemplate my next few words. Ther is no better way to end a hot summers day.

Now I only need you so we can dance and kiss under the rain. Someday, maybe someday will come...

Badly Drawn Boy - Promises

2007-07-24T12:37:00.001-07:00

Suede - The Wild Ones [1995]

2007-07-22T21:59:00.001-07:00

I guess were not too wild

2007-07-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

Suede - The Wild Ones

Theres a song playing on the radio
Sky high in the airwaves on the morning show
And theres a lifeline slipping as the record plays
As I open the blinds in my mind Im believing that you could stay

And oh if you stay well Ill chase the rain blown fields away
Well shine like the morning and sin in the sun
Oh if you stay
Well be the wild ones, running with the dogs today

Theres a song playing through another wall
All we see and believe is the d.j. and the debts dissolve
And its a shame your plane is leaving on this sunny day
Cuz on you my tattoo will be bleeding and the name will stain

And oh if you stay well ride from disguised suburban graves
Well go from the bungalows where the debts still grow each day

And oh if you stay well Ill chase the rain blown fears away
Well shine like the morning and sin in the sun
Oh if you stay
Well be the wild ones running with the dogs today
Well be the wild ones running with the dogs today

Oh if you stay
Oh if you stay
Oh if you stay...

Silence

2007-01-30T11:48:00.000-08:00

Silence is the loudest sound.

Isnt it ironic?

Am I Ignorant?

2006-11-23T13:12:00.000-08:00

About a week ago someone said to me "grace, do something you’re making me depressed."

I don’t watch tv, I don’t listen to the radio, I don’t watch the news, and I don’t listen to them either.

Not exactly all of that is true. I do watch tv every once in a while, maybe once or twice a month. I listen to the radio when I forget my cd’s at home and am stuck with nothing else in the car, that almost never happens. I listen to about 5 minutes of news a day when my parents watch the news on tv, but news radio is definitely not my thing. However, when I do watch the news I end up crying, angry, or depressed. Therefore I avoid them.

Does that make me ignorant?

12 Things That Make Me Smile

2006-11-23T12:50:00.000-08:00

1. Green lights on my way home. All the way home would be grand!
2. My new Man Man CD.
3. Random calls from Gina.
4. Sunday evenings, that’s when I talk to him.
5. Playing basketball with my nephew and losing. He’s only 3!
6. Finding $5 in my old winter coat.
7. Winter!
8. Making my mom laugh with a silly joke. After all life could be worse, she could have had 2 daughters like me.
9. Old pictures from when all that mattered was playing with my dolls.
10. Secret trips.
11. My ipod, unless the battery is dead. Then its just a conspiracy.
12. Plotting evil schemes on line with my beast friend. I know karma will get me.

La-la-la-la la-la-la, la-la-la-la la-la-la!

Premenstrual Syndrome

2006-10-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

PMS – Is there truly a correct definition for it? To be more accurate and exact here is what www.answeres.com had to say.

Premenstrual Syndrome
n. (Abbr. PMS)

A varied group of physical and psychological symptoms, including abdominal bloating, breast tenderness, headache, fatigue, irritability, anxiety, and depression, that occur from 2 to 7 days before the onset of menstruation and cease shortly after menses begins.

I, personally, never thought it was true. PMS was both an excuse for women to act like bitches and an excuse for men to accuse women of their horrible behaviors. Then again maybe this is me trying to excuse my crappy behavior for these past few days.

For starters, I’m a sensitive person, you know gets hurt easily, cries a lot, all that good stuff. I have a tendency of being sad and depressed. Some might say for no reason at all. I say we all have our own battles to fight as well as our own demons.

The point is these past few days everything looks gray. All is not full of love! Sometimes I guess I just expect things when I should ask for them. That might save me a lot of time and heartache.

I won’t get into specifics, but I’ve been sad lately. Everything is the same as it was last week when I was happy. Perhaps that’s it! Perhaps it’s the lack of change. Perhaps it’s me knowing that there won’t be any change for a while

Nothing looks bright, thus the discouragement in my eyes.

Maybe I’m just throwing a tantrum. Lately I can’t really tell the difference.

A while ago a friend told me she felt abandoned. She knew people loved and cared for her. She just didn’t know how to ask for affection from them. I personally am not a very affectionate person, however, I know exactly how she felt.

I guess the point is, if I should die this very moment I would die a horribly depressed 24 year old. The worse part is…

I’m not doing much about it. At least I don’t see any progress in what I do do.

Hey! Maybe it’s just my hormones!

Songs of the Day

2006-09-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

-In no particular order.

1. Interpol - A Time To Be So Small
2. Tori Amos - Twinkle
3. Wheat - The beginner
4. Locust - Your Selfish Ways
5. Stars - Elevator Love Letter
6. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Diamond Sea (Sonic Youth Cover)
7. The Cure - The Same Deep Water As You
8. Kate Bush - Army Dreamers
9. French Kicks - The Trial of the Century
10. Duran Duran - The Seventh Stranger

Friendships Are Over Rated

2006-09-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Now I’m the first to admit that I am a horrible writer and am not cleaver at all when it comes to creative writing or ideas. So please bear with me!How are you supposed to feel with the death of a friend?

Relax, she didn’t die.

This was not just any friend, this was the friend of all friends. The one you could call at 2 in the morning and pour your heart out to. She of course would be a little upset but would still listen to you. The friend you swore could be your sister except ummm… well you have different parents, look absolutely nothing alike, but although she is of different racial background you could have sworn you might be sisters, well maybe in another life.

Well I suppose that just goes to show how people are so different. How while looking at an empty canvas one could see an infinite number of possibilities while the other only saw that, an empty canvas.

Now I can’t say I have been the best of friends either. We met about 10 years ago. September of 1996 to be a bit more precise. Geez I’m getting old, but that’s outside the subject. We didn’t become friends right away, in fact, it took us about 2 years. Even then we were just acquaintances.

Okay the point is we became really close, or so I thought. And over a misunderstanding, at least that’s what I think since I didn’t do anything, she ummm… well she is not talking to me. And that breaks my heart.

Once, my boyfriend broke up with me and she was consoling me. I told her that I was in pain but if one day I lost her I didn’t know how I would survive. Now physically I’m fine. But there is this emptiness I feel without her. Emptiness and a huge let down. If for something so tiny our friendship is over does that not mean that it was probably not worth it? Does that mean that probably she was worth to me a million times more than I was worth to her?

Again I must admit I don’t have many friends, I don’t socialize much. But then again I don’t mind. I am or was satisfied with the quantity of friends I had, or with the quantity of people I considered friends. Acquaintances, there’s many, but friends, well I have enough fingers in one hand to count the ones I actually consider friends.

A friendship is a relationship right? I mean you must give in order to take, or am I wrong? I love her and without her I feel as if all this time I was walking a path that leads nowhere. I feel I have been fooled.

Maybe friendships are overrated.

From: Fernando Silva

2006-09-20T14:52:00.000-07:00

From: Fernando Silva
Sent: Sunday, August 27, 2006 11:53 Am
To: Grace Alvarez
Subject: As Promised...

Hi Grace!

I finally got a chance to breath and quickly remembered to email you the words to the Haiku composed in honor of your nacimiento.
I thought it would be a better idea to write them down on quality stationary, but time was against me. Perhaps, and this isn't a promise, I will have some time in the near future to do so, but only time will tell. I whope you enjoy the haiku again and wish you a wonderful week. Please say hi to Dinah and Alba for me when you see them. Ciao!
-----

Paperwork, Parents, Phone Calls,

Patient is our Grace.

Wonder Woman: Her name is Grace.

2006-07-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

I find myself lacking any drive to be great as my only ambition is to enjoy the day. To love and laugh and understand, to learn and feel and hold someone’s hand. I want everyday to be just like today and yesterday and any other day where my thoughts worried not about money and fame, or whether I’d eat or get the bills paid. I want every day to be new and exciting with moments between for quiet reflection. I want to bask in your subdued perfection, I want to know your thoughts, your dreams, your vision. I want to talk about everything that’s real, about everything we hide due to subconscious fear. I want to embrace my life as if today were the last, the last moment alive, the very last chance. I don’t want to worry about what tommorow will bring, I don’t want to waste time hiding from pain, I want to let it all go and do it again because life is so short when you live for today. I could plan and scheme for what the future might bring, I might choose to embrace an impossible dream, all the while loosing sight of where I am, who I am and what it all means. I could refuse to grow up and refuse to grow old, I could refuse everything I’ve ever been told, because that’s not me, no it never was, because that’s not me and it never will be. I want to embrace today without fear, without sadness or tears because theres a time and a place for everything but I don’t have time today for feeling that way. Maybe tommorow if it all falls apart, I’ll take the time to bleed my heart and then jump back up and look life in the eyes and say not today motherfucker, tommorow I’ll cry.